Gavin actually did very well the first few days being sick. I HATED that I had to go to work with a sick baby at home, but since Derek was here I felt a lot better. Gavin really does not complain when he is sick, just has a hard time breathing when his nose is all stuffed up! He slept through the night the first 2 nights (Thank God because I had to get up and work 14hr days) and then last night he was up most of the night. I think he would wake up and have a hard time falling back asleep because he was so stuffed up. We have been trying really hard to keep at this "sleep training" but I DO NOT believe in letting a sick baby cry. I don't care what anyone says, I am just not able to do it! I can't do it at work, and I can't do it at home. I feel so bad for sick babies, and I will do ANYTHING to help them feel better:) This will make it harder once he feels better, but I am prepared!
On another note, I am kind of having a hard time at work lately. Not only do I dread going to work (I never used to dread it!) I also feel like I am neglecting Gavin the night leading up to work, and the night I do work. Since I don't get to see him AT ALL the days I work, I just feel like I am so so so far away. ::sigh:: I also have been having a REALLY hard time while at work. Not sure when this will pass, but it has to. Every time I need to do something to a baby or child (Put in IV, tubes, pull out tubes, draw blood, remove stitches, give shots) I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness! I know, it is my job, and all the torture that we have to do is because we are fighting to make them better...but it is just so hard lately. The entire time I am just imagining myself and Gavin in these situations, and I just feel so badly for these families. I can't imagine, and when I try, I hurt for them. Just yesterday I had to 1. Hold a 6 month old baby boy down while someone tried to put an IV in his arm...it took 7 tries before we could find a vein and get it in (He is pretty sick and no longer has any "good" veins). 2. Give a 8 month old girl (Who is waiting for a heart transplant) 6 vaccines all at once while there was no one there at her bedside (because she rarely has visitors). 3. Hold down one of MY FAVORITE 3 year old patients while the phlebotomist tried to draw blood...and the entire time she was saying to me "Miiichele, Oh Miiiichele the poke hurts and I need to cry....please stop poking me....is it over yet.....) While crying and YET again, no one at the bedside (She also rarely has visitors...) These things keep playing over and over in my mind, and I just feel so bad. I feel bad that we have to hurt them, but I really think I feel so bad because there is no one there for them and I just can't imagine that. I can't even think of leaving Gavin alone in a hospital bed, and it hurts to think that these kids are alone. Then I think about the fact that I have never been in this situation, so how can I judge...then I go back to thinking I could and would NEVER leave Gavin's side if this were happening to him. ::SIGH AGAIN:: I am TRYING really hard to do my best at my job, and be the best nurse I can be...and while I am there I am 100% there for my patients. One day at a time. It has to get better. In the mean time I will try to think of the positive. Like that same 3 year old patient (The one I had to hold down for a blood draw...one of may favorite patients) and how sweet she is. When she sees me her entire face lights up and she smiles and giggles that "My Miiichele" is here. I will try to picture her cute little face and sweet voice get so excited when we tell her she gets to go home. These are the things I should focus on. ::sigh, sigh, sigh::
I hear G waking up from his nap, and talking to himself. Time to go snuggle with my little man!
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