Discovery

This morning Gavin discovered he could reach for and grab his feet! I know it seems like such a little thing, but to me it is big! He has been using his hands more and more, and now finally he will reach out and touch my face...I hold him up close to me and talk to him and kiss him, and he reaches out to grab my face:) He then tries to eat it, like he does with everything.

Like I keep saying, each week, each day, Gavin changes so much! I am trying so hard to soak up these moments because they go so fast...and I want to remember them forever (Which is why I blog about everything:)

This past week was my first week back to work, and boy was it HARD! I am really glad that my job keeps me pretty busy, so that I do not have much time to dwell on the fact that I am not home with Gavin.

I am very lucky that I have some amazing and supportive co-workers at the hospital. Some of my friends on the unit have had babies within the last year as well, so we are all going through the same thing together...It is very nice to have the support and know that I am not alone. When we have some down time (Not often!) we will all talk about our babies. Actually, that's all we ever talk about anymore! Last year at this time we all talked about our pregnancy (All 7 of us) and now its all baby talk!

One HUGE change that I have noticed in myself since I have been back at work is my overflowing amount of compassion and pure sympathy. I know before I had a baby I was always very compassionate with the kids I took care of...but now its just different. When I first started nursing it took a long time to build up the emotional strength to do what I do. Even though I see very amazing things happen and sick children cured from disease, I also see the opposite. Although I try and try to remember the positive that I see and that we do, but it is hard to forget the sad things we see. Just when I thought that I was able to "leave the hospital at the door" when I would go home, I am back to square one. I know it may sound harsh, but you have to learn how to leave the emotional aspect of the job because it will eat you up if you bring it home all the time. There were always some bad days, when sometimes I could not help but bring the sadness home. Having a baby has put me right back at the beginning, where I hurt for these children and families SO much. I see these babies who are so sick and hurting, and I just want to take it all away. Then I imagine myself in their situation, and Gavin being sick, and I just loose it. I know, I sound so emotional right now, but it truly changes things when you have a baby yourself. I just find myself counting my blessings ALL the time, and praying for these families ALL the time.

I have also discovered my perspective about life in general has changed since I have been back at work. I think being off of work for 6.5 months made me loose my perspective about a lot of things. I have been so consumed with Gavin's sleep. Gavin's milk issue. Gavin's routine. Well, while all of these are still important to me, I need to remember that these are just small little issues. Very small. When I see what some are going through, I think I am crazy for worrying about these little things. I need to remember that I have a beautiful healthy baby, and for that I am forever thankful.

Another reason that I think I have been doing so well back at work is that I feel so comfortable leaving him at home with Derek and Dayle. (Actually I think this is a HUGE reason that I do OK at work!) He is in the best hands and has no issues at all. He takes his bottles and is generally a pretty good boy. If they were not taking care of him, I am pretty sure I would refuse to go back to work. (And then we would have to sell the house and move in to a trailer home! HA!)

So, for now, I am doing OK with being back at work. While it is very very VERY hard to leave Gavin, I feel like it is making me a better mommy somehow. I feel like I appreciate him and everything so much more. I feel like he may appreciate me more as well. As much as I would like to "stay at home" it is just not entirely possible for us. We own our home, and would like to raise Gavin and future children in this great neighborhood. We can't wait for him to be older and be able to run around our yard and maybe even help plant our gardens. He will be able to learn how to ride his bike on our street, and go trick or treating in our neighborhood. All the things we want for him he will have and be able to do. We also want to be able to travel with him. Not only travel to Ohio to see our family, but also travel to new places and see new things. We want him to appreciate the world around him. Derek and I do not spend money that we don't have, we save everywhere we can. We own our cars and do not have any credit card debt. I cut coupons (Not very good at this!) and buy everything on sale. We buy most of our clothes second hand, and most of the baby stuff second hand. We buy our produce from a local farm and grow a lot of things in our garden. I believe that maybe one day, I will be able to work part time, and we will do just fine. I admit, we still have and buy a lot of things that we don't necessarily need, but we will work on it. The last thing we want is for Gavin to grow up wanting "things." Now, I just need to get that part time job, and it would be a beautiful mix of everything!

I am glad G is spending some quality time alone with his Dad and Grandma...He will learn different things from them, and that will be great!